I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
