I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
