my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize