Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
