Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
