My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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