So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
