I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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