last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
