Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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