I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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