I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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