Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
