Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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