Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
