My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
