so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
