So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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