Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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