FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
