May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
