but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
