i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We don't watch enough power rangers
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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