u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
