i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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