I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
