can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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