Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
