mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
