Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
honey bunches of taint.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
