So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
