i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
