Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
