Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
