I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I need a beard to bite.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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