My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
