Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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