im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
