I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
