Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's shark week go big or go home
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
