I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
