Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
