there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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