So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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