Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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