sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
