guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
