if you like me you must not know who I am
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
