This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Apparently you make a good broom.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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