You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
