Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
