can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
