I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
