I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
