Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
