Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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