I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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