she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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