i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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