I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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