the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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